I often can’t sleep at night, and to while away the hours until dawn I inflict silly emails on friends. Most notable amongst recipients of my nocturnal foolishness is my church minister. Last night’s offering was a review of the evening service. My blog entries tend to be quite serious I think, but I actually spend most of my time being silly, so thought I would add this silly entry to the list.
Dear Mr _
You may not be aware of the existence of an exciting new periodical entitled “The Fidgety Pewdweller.” This quarterly publication is causing quite a stir in ecclesiastical circles as it examines the exciting world of churchgoing from angles hitherto rather overlooked. With the addition of yourself to the mailing list, we are delighted to say that our circulation figures have doubled overnight. An astonishing statistic, as I’m sure you will agree.
In the first issue, a mystery churchgoer drops into an evening service unannounced and reports back on her findings. The full report on _ Church can be seen in your complimentary copy of “The Fidgety Pewdweller” but to whet your appetite here are some statistics. Scores out of ten were given for a number of categories:
Hugs and kisses – 8/10 An enthusiastic hug was given at the door by a bloke who was covered in aftershave, which left a lingering smell reminiscent of incense and which added to the atmosphere. A number of other kisses were exchanged before the service and at the end there was a final hug by the bloke’s wife, even more enthusiastic than his, and which transferred a
different and yet equally pleasant perfume. Our mystery churchgoer concluded that regular attendence at this church would remove the necessity to buy ones own toiletries, thus making a substantial annual saving to the household budget, which should not be sneezed at.
Value for Money – 10/10 There is no collection and you get a free notice sheet (See above for additional benefits.)
Banter – 9/10 There was lots of nattering before the service began, with plenty of laughter. The congregation were enjoying themselves so much that they and the minister all seemed reluctant to break it up and get on with the main event.
Music – 7/10 The pianist was accomplished and included some flourishes in certain verses to break up the monotony of the
tunes. However, the quality of the singing let the side down, with notable miming in some quarters.
Refreshments – 0/10 There were no lollipops such as those provided by The Little Chef. This was very disappointing, and
might have had a negative impact on the score received for excitement. However, in compensation for this sad state of affairs it must be acknowledged that the mystery churchgoer gatecrashed a pewdweller’s house and was plied with cakes and coffee before the service began.
Exercise – 5/10 The biting cold caused the mystery churchgoer to walk faster than normal between and _, thus burning a few more calories.
Education – 5/10 The mystery churchgoer learned in conversation with a pewdweller that the addition of nutmeg to stewed apples makes all the difference.
Excitement – 8/10
The mystery churchgoer is easily excited. The high score, however, might have been prompted by the thought of returning home to the last in the series of Downton Abbey. In fact, she may have got confused and given the score for Downton Abbey to the church.
It was not in the remit of the mystery churchgoer to give any consideration to extra stuff such as prayers and sermons,
concentrating as she does, on the above essentials of a churchgoing experience.
We do hope, Mr _ that you are as excited as we are that your church has featured in the first issue of The Fidgety Pewdweller, and we trust that you will be reassured by our findings – that _ Church is a good place to hang out on Sunday evenings. If a review of sermons and prayers is required, we will be pleased to do so for a very reasonable fee. One of our junior staff is well qualified in this area, as she writes dodgy prayers and has a nicked sermon in her possession.
Yours sincerely
The Editor
