Lent

For the first time since becoming a Christian five years ago I am observing Lent.  It’s not something that really gets a mention at my church or amongst my Christian friends.  However, I have an awareness of Lent from my childhood, when people would routinely ask “What are you giving up for Lent?”  This year I felt an invitation from God to join him in Lent and so for a few weeks in advance I started thinking about it and what I was going to do.  I have entered into it as a time of more deliberate interraction with God – a more formal time of following daily readings, prayers and reflections that are in addition to my habitually much more relaxed communications with him.  As well as following a series from a Catholic website I am asking God to help with an area of my life that needs attention and which I have been unable to sort out for myself.

I entered into this time with a mixture of anticipation and sadness.  Anticipation because I like spending time with God, thinking about him, talking with him, relaxing with him.  Sadness because I was sure it would be a time of transformation.  I don’t like change.  When I became a Christian it was very reluctantly because I didn’t want to change and “have to become good” as I thought at the time.  Five years ago on the Alpha Course Holy Spirit arrived with a bang and caused me to want to leap up and shout out that it was true and that I believed it.  But I resisted him and made myself sit still and keep quiet.  I thought once I had admitted it that my life would be turned upside down, and I liked my life as it was.  Anyhow, I did admit it eventually of course and started out on a journey with God.  But in this respect nothing much has changed – that I don’t like change and don’t want to be good.  However, when God invites you to join him for Lent, it’s probably best to accept the invitation, I thought.  So here I am.

I’m a basic Christian.  For me it boils down to loving God and loving other people.  Whenever I talk about God at church or with family, friends or in the community I always talk about his love.  Recently I was leading prayers at the day centre and my prayer included a confession that we have failed to love God properly -  and failed to love other people.  I’ve been thinking about this since then, and it is the reason I’m entering into Lent.  I want to love better.  When I became a Christian my prayer was “Teach me to love as you love.”  I’m a very very long way from getting close to that.

Six days into Lent I think I am learning some stuff.  I am learning how very weak I am and that I can’t sort this out for myself.  Rather than asking for God to give me strength I am asking him to come into my weakness.  I am telling him all my feelings all the time and not running away when things are painful.  He has given me an amazing amount of calm and healing and has helped me to where I am now, despite me wanting to follow the signpost pointing out of Lent and back to the World of Mary.   Even as he is with me healing my wounds I am looking for the exit. 

Thank you God for your love, your incredible patience and your kindness.  May I learn love from you this Lent.  Amen.